Mothers Who Can’t Love
Our mothers are a primary part of our lives. They’re the first to hold us in their arms, they’re the ones who nurture us, give us love and protect us and help shape who we become. They keep us safe, provide for us, give us wisdom and show us what love means. They become our number one support and encourage us to take chances and to grow as a person but what happens when it feels like our mothers hate us for no apparent reason? It may feel confusing as a child to feel our own mother is jealous of us. The lack of maternal love can feel lonely and confusing because society teaches us to respect and love our mothers but deep down we don’t feel that love, safety, and care we should and it raises questions on “what’s wrong with us?” At times when you discuss what’s wrong with your mother with friends, you may feel it’s hard for them to understand what’s wrong? and you probably won’t feel good enough.
Narcissistic mothers are mothers who are incapable of providing love. They see their children as extensions of themselves and have difficulty individuating their children from themselves and are incapable of providing their children the skills to grow into an independent and confident adult instead they may see their own children as someone who is supposed to serve their needs. Being raised by a narcissistic mother you probably felt your mother was in competition with you or you could count on one hand when she’s said anything positive about you. It’s a heartbreaking experience to have that love you deserved withheld from you and it may lead you to be the one in charge of nurturing your inner child and to be that parent you never had (reparenting yourself) .
If you or know anyone who has experienced this type of trauma I encourage you to speak to a trusted friend, family member, or professional who will understand and support you through this grief period. When grieving a lack you had in your childhood or parent you never had it can be a very confusing period (especially if this parent is still alive) and it can be quite triggering reflecting on memories - please don’t be afraid to ask for help.
Signs of a Narcissistic Mother
You feel like your mother is in competition with you and is jealous of your success
She will triangulate you and your siblings (i.e putting children against each other by making up lies and treating one child as the golden child and the other as the black sheep)
Will withhold you from skills that will help you develop your independence (i.e taking on extracurricular activities at school such as patrolling, student leadership, getting your driver’s license)
Treats her children (especially her daughters) like they’re barbie dolls and will be in charge of their haircuts or clothes they wear
Invades your privacy
Uses things you’ve shared with her against you
Tries to sabotage milestone moments by stirring up some drama
Will put her needs above her children’s needs
If you’re experiencing a problem she will give you a solution that fits the way she visualizes it being and not necessarily what’s best for you
Is threatened if you have a close relationship with your father
Inability to be empathetic or show emotion unless it’s anger
Even if you share things she does that hurt you she will tell you she’s this great mom who sacrificed a lot